The Art of Story

When someone is telling you their story

Listening, when the story isn't yours

Sometimes the story that matters is someone else's. When a friend, a parent or a colleague opens up, the instinct is to fix it, reassure them, or tell your own. Most of the time they need to be heard first.

The shape

Listen, reflect, ask, and hold off on fixing

  1. Turn towards them. Put the phone face down and let them see you're listening.
  2. Say back what you heard. In a sentence: "So it's not the move itself, it's leaving your friends."
  3. Ask an open question. "What was that like?" or "What happened next?" invites more than "Are you okay?"
  4. Hold your story. Yours can wait until theirs is finished.
  5. Ask before advising. "Do you want ideas, or do you just need to get it out?"

How it can sound

They say: "I feel like I'm failing at everything at the moment." Instead of "You're not, you're doing so well," try: "Everything at once. What's been the hardest part?"

The one detail to find

Listen for a word they say twice. That's often where the story is.

Leave out

"At least…", "Everything happens for a reason" and "That reminds me of when I…"

If they tell you they might be in danger or are thinking about suicide, stay with them and get help now: call your local emergency number (000 in Australia, 111 in New Zealand, 112 in India, 999 or 112 in the UK and Ireland, 911 in Canada and the US) or a crisis line (Lifeline 13 11 14 in Australia, 1737 in New Zealand, Tele-MANAS 14416 in India, Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, 988 in Canada and the US).

Build it

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