The Art of Story

Telling a friend something hard

Sharing without overwhelming them

When something hard has happened, the question is how much to say, and when. Say too little and your friend can't help; say everything at once and they can be overwhelmed. Our rule of thumb: share a little beyond where the friendship already is, then watch how they respond.

The shape

A step deeper than usual, then pause

  1. Start where you are. How deep do your conversations with this friend usually go? Start from there.
  2. Go one step further. Share a little more than usual, not the whole thing at once. We call it the 10% rule: our rule of thumb, not a research finding.
  3. Say what you need. Listening, advice or just company. Friends often guess wrong if you don't say.
  4. Pause. Stop and let them respond. How they respond tells you whether to say more.
  5. Leave the rest for later. Hard stories often come out over several conversations, and that's fine.

How it can sound

"Can I tell you something? I didn't get the job. I know it's only a job, but I'd started planning around it, and I've been flat all week. I don't need advice. I just didn't want to keep pretending I was fine."

The one detail to find

One sentence on what you need from them. It changes the conversation more than anything else you say.

Leave out

Everything at once, details that are someone else's to share, and anything you would regret if they reacted badly.

If you might be in danger or thinking about suicide, get help now: call your local emergency number (000 in Australia, 111 in New Zealand, 112 in India, 999 or 112 in the UK and Ireland, 911 in Canada and the US) or a crisis line (Lifeline 13 11 14 in Australia, 1737 in New Zealand, Tele-MANAS 14416 in India, Samaritans 116 123 in the UK and Ireland, 988 in Canada and the US).

Build it

Go deeper