When the kids ask about the family

Family stories for children and grandchildren

Children learn how their family handles hard times from the stories they hear, so the stories worth telling hold both halves: what went wrong, and what people did next. Robyn Fivush and colleagues found that teenagers who told their parents' childhood stories with more connection reported higher well-being (a link, not proof that one causes the other).

The shape

A hard time, and how the family got through it

1. Pick a real episode. A move, a lean year, a mistake someone made, a lucky break.
2. Tell the hard part. What went wrong, at a level that suits their age.
3. Tell what happened next. What the family did about it, who helped, and what it cost.
4. Let them ask. Their questions show you what they're ready for.
5. Tell it again. Family stories stick through retelling: at dinner, in the car, on birthdays.

How it can sound

"When your grandad came here at nineteen, nobody would accept his engineering degree. So he drove a taxi at night for four years and studied in the day. He failed the exam the first time, and he nearly gave up. He used to say the taxi taught him more about people than any job since. He passed the second time, and he still knows every back street in town."

The one detail to find

Something they can hold or see: a suitcase, a recipe, a photo. It gives children a handle on the story.

Leave out

Stories that are only triumph ("our family has always done well") or only loss. Children need both halves.

Build it

• "Do You Know?" Family Narrative Scale: Go through its twenty questions together to see which family stories they already know, and which are waiting to be told.

Go deeper

• Module 3: The Three Stories We Tell: The three shapes a family story takes
• Module 3: Why This Matters: The Research and Its Limits: What the research does and doesn't show